Wednesday, March 26, 2008
A Little Frayed Around the Edges
Though I've done this before.... quite recently, actually, in the grand scheme of things, I'm quite nervous about moving to my new site. I'm trying to hold it together as best I can. I know it'll be hard at first. That's a given. But I'm really hoping it won't be as difficult as the first time around and that this new site works out well. Here goes nothing....
Monday, March 10, 2008
Finding Peace
March 10, 2008
It's been a crazy ride so far, to say the least. I'm going to try and explain the things that I'm feeling and thoughts that I've been having for the past couple of weeks, but don't know if I will succeed. Especially since this blog is totally last minute and un-pretyped. If you asked me about two or three weeks ago how I was feeling, I would have told you that I was completely at peace with myself and what I was doing. I felt as if I was exactly where I needed to be at the right time. I wouldn't have changed anything (except maybe having running hot water...But even that's not a big deal to me anymore.) But, the last couple of weeks, I've been extremely stressed, anxious, nervous, frustrated, angry, and a bit depressed. And I had a lot of regrets. Although, the word "regret" might not exactly be the right word. Or maybe it is. (I think I should look it up in a dictionary just to be sure, but I don't have one handy.) Basically, I've been thinking a lot about things that I could have done differently. I've had an "ideal" picture in my mind about how certain events could have played out, but didn't. About how I should have said or done something at a particular point in time, but didn't. And about how great and "perfect" my life would have been if I'd done or said something differently. I have these images in my mind about how I want things to be, and keep grasping and dreaming about them, hoping that they'll somehow come true. And I know it's not good for me. It's not healthy. I feel that I should learn to be content and accept what is, what is happening now, but can't quite get there. There's always that "what if". I keep scheming in my head how I can maybe manipulate things so they are the way I want them to be. But it's totally unrealistic. And very selfish, perhaps.
My friend asked me just the other day what was in my heart. What I told her was this: I wish I could be content with what I have. That I could find peace with myself and with what was going on around me. That I would have no regrets. Hopefully I will find that place again soon.
It's been a crazy ride so far, to say the least. I'm going to try and explain the things that I'm feeling and thoughts that I've been having for the past couple of weeks, but don't know if I will succeed. Especially since this blog is totally last minute and un-pretyped. If you asked me about two or three weeks ago how I was feeling, I would have told you that I was completely at peace with myself and what I was doing. I felt as if I was exactly where I needed to be at the right time. I wouldn't have changed anything (except maybe having running hot water...But even that's not a big deal to me anymore.) But, the last couple of weeks, I've been extremely stressed, anxious, nervous, frustrated, angry, and a bit depressed. And I had a lot of regrets. Although, the word "regret" might not exactly be the right word. Or maybe it is. (I think I should look it up in a dictionary just to be sure, but I don't have one handy.) Basically, I've been thinking a lot about things that I could have done differently. I've had an "ideal" picture in my mind about how certain events could have played out, but didn't. About how I should have said or done something at a particular point in time, but didn't. And about how great and "perfect" my life would have been if I'd done or said something differently. I have these images in my mind about how I want things to be, and keep grasping and dreaming about them, hoping that they'll somehow come true. And I know it's not good for me. It's not healthy. I feel that I should learn to be content and accept what is, what is happening now, but can't quite get there. There's always that "what if". I keep scheming in my head how I can maybe manipulate things so they are the way I want them to be. But it's totally unrealistic. And very selfish, perhaps.
My friend asked me just the other day what was in my heart. What I told her was this: I wish I could be content with what I have. That I could find peace with myself and with what was going on around me. That I would have no regrets. Hopefully I will find that place again soon.
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